My Light

 

 

Like the Sun I shine all day

and like the Moon I glow at night

take pleasure and enjoy my light

 

Cause I’m shining

almost blinding

forcing those who venture out of the dark

to put shades on, can’t even look directly at me

less they lose their sight cause I’m just that bright

Cause they gonna try and look

can’t help but wanna see

the shine given off by me

 

Some seek light

so they come my way

Always basking in my rays

enlightening themselves in my luminescent

The power of my light tans their skins

changed by me

always coming back for more

so others can see they took pleasure

in the radiance that is me

 

You’re wondering how this can be

well let me tell you

another thing about me

My source is not on this earth

my light comes from the sky

I’ve been evolutionized!!!

I Give and You Take...

 

I give and you take and you take and I give and I give and you take

and I get nothing back.

I get no help digging out of this hole,

and nothing you do seems to ease this pain.

All that you say just confirms what I thought all along.

I don’t suffice, and I fear I’ll never know why because I’m not strong enough.

But what I have

 

I give and you take and you take and I give and I give and you take

and I still feel useless.

Because even after giving most of what I got

I am sill unwanted.

I thought you would see me, and all I offered

And need me and want me and take me and keep me and love me

And give me the strength to break free.

Though who would want a prisoner?

But yet even in my chains

 

I give and you take and you take and I give and I give and you take

And I am left to fend for myself with the little I have left.

So I make bad choices, dig myself deeper in holes

Trying to figure out why you never told me,

and why I can never find peace even when you hold me.

Why do I feel like you stole from me?

Rather than walk tall and proud

I keep my head bowed with the weight of guilt from unguided decisions

And I stumble unsupported, sometimes falling to my knees.

But even from the ground

 

I give and you take and you take and I give and I give and you take

and now I am empty.

It’s funny how full empty feels,

After giving all my love away my heart is heavy

Bloated from attempting to retain those few drops of love I am sometimes allowed to feel, though few and far between.

I fear I have become meaningless to you, so I have become a panicked scavenger trying to get more

And still I will give and you will take and you will take and I will give and I will give and you will take until there is nothing left but the end.



Lie...

If the devil is a liar
then what are we when we tell lies to each other?
Our behavior is certainly devil like.
Lies kill hope and snatch dreams.
Lies cause our souls to grow moldy on the edges with the rott of untruth.
Lies steal choices,
forcing us to step out on falsehoods and we stumble and find ourselves in pits,
burying ourselves deeper as we attempt to dig out.
Sometimes you need not even utter the words.
Not speaking the truth when it ought to be told is sin enough.
The struggles of the lie are endless
and its paths pass destruction and waste as they wind down to those pits.
Yet, we all still venture out there on those paths in our own way.
Some of us seeing our reflections in mirrors turn devil on ourselves
believing and living what we know ain't true.
Maybe you needed to cope,
Maybe you thought you had to please,
Maybe you got caught up and had to cover,
Maybe you swore the truth wouldn't suffice and so you added and took away till only lies were left.
Maybe is was your pleasure and then you are a devil decieving for fun.
and while the Truth does set you free sometimes it can hurt getting there.
Busting in like a storm in the night, and then in the light of the sun
you see the damage and pick up the pieces and start moving towards being okay.
and we try to live right and be righteous
until you can't bear the guilt of the truth, or the shame of it.
You just can't bear to face it and so you find no freedom.
and so you become imprisoned in your own little hell. Like a devil.
Whether you travel the path a foot or a hundred miles
you're only going one way.
and it ain't towards the the Truth or the Light or the One who frees.
We don't really wanna stray there, but life takes us there,
it makes us, calls us, leads us, pushes us
and we look back seeing that Truth and that Light knowing He who frees already knows
wondering how hard would it be to turn back know?
Abandon these lies and face the truth.
How much would it hurt?
How much would it cost us to finally be free?

Happy Easter!!

Easter

 

Remember Easter?

New dress, pressed hair, new shoes, new hat, new purse.

Sunday school filled with brightly dressed children, anxious and excited for the Sunday school show.

Church filled to the brim.

Elaborately dressed women, young ones in pastels, middle aged ones in sophisticated suits, old ones in all colors and all styles, with fancy ribbons hanging from hats, or lace veils over one eye or just plain ole big hats all shouting high to heaven.

Potbellied old men in their best suits, long lean young ones some in suits, some just in shirt and tie all waving amen.

The burdened sinner, not so brightly dressed who only comes on this day, at the alter crying out their sins, in the pews shouting Thank You Lord for the relief that they feel.

All there celebrating His resurrection, all shouting, soul smiling, cause they know they can be saved.

Churches all over packed celebrating.

 

The choirs are gonna sang today!!!! The people will join in, and if the song right even the Holy Ghost will join in and move people.

The preacher, all preachers, will put all their energy into their sermons today!

Their voices are gonna rise and fall, they will jump and shout, and if you’re lucky they’ll sing.

The congregations will join in matching their efforts with well placed amens, uh huhs, and hands will wave, a few may even stand in anticipation

Most of all many will be brought to God.

After the services, renewed and energized, inspired and strengthen, reborn and anew, will come the glorious dinners with family and friends.

Perhaps chicken or maybe ham, macaroni and cheese, greens and yams, potato salad, all made by Grandma’s hands.

Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner in early spring.

Easter baskets, chocolate bunnies, painting eggs and hunting for them.

A beautiful day!

What has happen to Easter?

Deep sigh...

I've got a longing in my soul and a yearning in my body
It hurts being unfilled.
I keep talking to God,
pleading and praising, begging and bowing, crying and commanding till my soul gets to moaning what only He can understand.
I'm feeling chilly like, getting cold, and I don't wanna turn to stone,
but with no one to keep me warm what choices are there for me.
I can taste bitterness creeping  up outta my throat burning my mouth and I spit poison constantly.
I used to be so sweet, but with the sugar gone from my life what is left?
I keep wailing without warning and with no control
Face to the floor, just wanting to lay it all down
My joy is fleeting and hard to keep
cause it seems loneliness is stronger.
How long can this go on?
How much longer can I continue to push against these wicked things that threaten to take me and make me into someone new?
I keep asking God why
Cause if I don't know how will I do what is needed to satisfy this longing and this yearning,
to stay warm, be sweet, and keep the tears out of my eyes
Lord knows I'm striving
cause I want whats real
I'm just also straining and struggling to hold myself together and keep my face to the light.


That is all...

Blah blah blah...

Today like so many of these past days I've felt really blah.  I'm waiting for something to happen when really I need to be taking action.  Have you ever known what you needed to do, but just wasn't motivated to do it?  That's me right now, waiting for motivation. 

This Space I'm In...

I'm alone in this
and I know I need to go, but I don't want to.
I just wanna sit here close to you,
where I can dream.
I won't force the end, I'll leave that to life.
I just hope she deals kindly with me.
I don't think an already broken heart can break again.
I don't know how healthy this is
nor do I really care.
I cross bridges when I get to them and rarely plan ahead.
I just don't wanna be anywhere else.
I'll give you what you need to stay here,
or rather I'll give you all I got
Don't know if it'll be all you need, I can only hope.
I straddle this line between what is and what I wish it was
half alive, half dreaming
Probably keeping myself away from other things and other people
But I don't trust what I don't know and I know here with you
and it feels dangerously safe.
Then there are those moments of pure reality that make me want to throw up
They make me anxious for the end
Sometimes I just want to get it over with, I must be sick.
But I only wanna be here!
How important is my being here to you?
I know I don't meet what you require
I can't help the circumstances of my birth, that was God's choosing
and he don't make mistakes.
I do though.
I wonder if remaining in this place will be among the big ones.
Maybe you are demon food
I still got a few so something must be feeding them.
Could be me refusing to move from here
knowing nothing will come of this space I'm in.
But I haven't seen another place to go
So I'll just stay here
Pray here
and hope God intervenes so that this is not where I die.

My first open mic...

Lately I have been looking for myself.  I used to always laugh when hearing that expression "I'm finding myself" because I couldn't understand how one could lose one's self. There was a point when I wasn't even aware that I had a self that could be lost.  That was probably the time when I did the most losing.  I looked up one day and was very dissatisfied with my life and myself.  I just turned 30 and decided its time to really start taking steps to rectify some things, and get my house in order.  It is not easy!!!!  Trying to change, be better, drop old habits, and become the person I want to be is work like I've never experienced before. I am doing the best I can and just as God's mercies are new each morning so  are my efforts.  I am attempting total self renovation by working on a new body, a new mind and a renewed soul. 
Part of this journey is to start chasing my dreams.  I want to be a poet.  I want to write.  I am a poet.  I do write, but I rarely share.  I don't put any effort into developing my talent and figuring out a way to live it.  Until now that is!!!  Last weekend I went to my first open mic and recited three poems.  I really enjoyed it.  It was freeing.  I thought I would be scared but I felt amongst friends.  The event was held in a studio in NYC.  There were about 20-30 people over the course of the night, and about 15 to 20 people performed.  My three poems were well received.  As I sat back down a man asked was I online so he could read more and so here I am.  This was very therapeutic for me as well.  Part of my reluctance to share is the fear of exposing myself.  Opening up and showing what's there scared me.  I judge myself so hard and so harshly all the time that I'm often left feeling unpresentable and incapable.  Those days are over though, or rather they are few and far between now, LOL.  I don't really know where I'm going with all this but I am going somewhere.  I'm just going to write and look for outlets to share.  These are the three poems I read.

 

 

??????????

 

I don’t really want it.

I’m certainly not doing anything to get it.

I’m doing just the opposite.

Restless in my soul cause I got no passion.

No love.

No distraction.

I got this pen and this paper,

but I don’t be doing nothing with it.

I don’t be feeling nothing like that.

So choked up by some bullsh*t.

Sitting back dwelling on shit, da f*ck is that doing for me.

Take a look, I see waste. Waste with a cute face.

I thought I would’ve been somebody by now.

Smiling by now.

Loving by now.

Loving me enough to be finally be free.

I thought I’d be free by now.

So…

I gotta put it down.

Quit feeling sorry and just do something, but I got no passion

Where I get that at?

How do I break this ice around my heart?

Ain’t got time to let it melt.

Where is God at?

What is he planning for me?

Can I see? Get some direction? Some instruction?

Some love for my newly freed heart to feel?

How do I feel?

How do I feel loved?

How do I love myself?

What do I need to do for me to get there?

Stop dwelling?

Stop dwelling on shit that I didn’t do, the shit that happen to me, stop dwelling on life and just live it, let go to free myself to hold something else?

Time to act but what’s the first step?

I’ll get down on my knees and pray and wait and wait and pray and wait and pray…

Cause I know God is gonna take his time.

His time not mine.

But what do I do?

Where do I start to take action? To move? To make something happen? To spark a flame?

Oh My God!!!

What???

My God!!

When???

I just want some Clarity, Peace, A Passion, some Love.

Get my place in this world and live to God’s glory.

I’m sick of this, feeling like a sad story.

FORGIVENESS!!!!

Sweet forgiveness!!!

Jesus had to die for God to give it.

What I gotta do to give it to me?

How do I feel that?

I kiss my teeth with a real deep sigh to that.

I can forgive others but not me.

How insane is that?

I just want some Clarity, some Peace, some Love, a Place.

I wanna be on the road running the race.

Not by the wayside.

Living to God’s glory like never before.

I don’t want to try I want to do, but I don’t know how.

I feel stupid and stuck, and left behind, and pain and yearn.

And all I want is some Clarity, some Peace, some Passion, some Love, and His Glory!!!!



 

It's Hard to See...

 

I don't know if I'm tending to my wounds or just picking at them

They ain't healing so something ain't right

Maybe it's this place I'm in

There's so little light, or maybe I just can't stand to look.

to bright for my broken eyes.

I can barely see most times, haven't really seen me in years

Probably wouldn't recognize me even if I could see

I gave myself away, several times

I didn't know what I was, or what it would mean

and now it's hard to see.

and You
I feel like you only telling me half the story

either that or I'm crazy and that could be

But like I said it's hard to see.

Especially when I look at me

I remember what I used to be

So long ago I lived in His Glory

and now fear keeps me stuck here, or maybe it's guilt

cause I really can't see.

So much has gone into the making of me,

and I am Great even if I don't live like it.

His Glory is still waiting for me, I just gotta get there.

But it's so hard to see,

got tears in my eyes and a pain in my head

that's blinding me.

Can't stop thinking and this sh*t is getting old

So am I.

I wanna live.

I wanted to live with you

I figured maybe you could be me to the Glory.

You know I figured you could be the push

that gets me through the fear, past the guilt, out there

then I could get where I belong.

Pressure right?

I gotta find a way to push on my own.

and I wonder when I get there will you be there.

Better yet do you wanna be there

and as a damn friend

cause like I said I think I'm only getting half the truth from you

But I can't quite see.

I gotta get with my Source to restore my sight.

I need to get some things straight, get it back right.

 

 A Symptom

You were a symptom of my disease.

It's not as bad as it sounds,

or rather you shouldn't take it personal

because it's not you, it's me.

 You see as a result of my disease

I like to give myself away

so I gave you as much as I could.

I'm not mad you took it.

After all I offered and I've been on your end before

I've taken too.

This would have been okay except I wasn't leaving anything for me.

That's part of my disease.

and you weren't giving me back what I needed

but that was the point

because if things worked the way they should

and I wasn't sick

things between us would probably have never gotten how they did.

And while I thought of you as friend

You were really just a symptom of my disease.

Cause some of the things you did made me question

just how much you respected me,

but with little respect for my emotional self

my disease told me I was deserving of your treatment,

your words, your rejection.

My disease said I was unworthy and your rejection told me the same thing

and while I wanted to move on

my disease wouldn't let me

because you were the perfect symptom disguised as a friend.

 

 

**** My open mic hair was a braid out done with Dark and Lovely Au Naturale anti shrinkage 10-in-1 Styles Gelee.  It was true to its word and I had little shrinkage throughout the day.  However it was not moisturizing and it was a hard hold.  I think I'll be putting it back on the shelf till summer.